Love and Life Ramblings

I am slowly beginning to figure out that some things can't be quantified, defined, predicted, or evaluated.  They must be felt.  These are things like love, faith, joy.  Things you can't make happen, they come from God.  I am a very mathematical person.  I like to have everything run according to rules.  In my "ideal" world, each person's characteristics could be listed.  Then, the bad traits could be subtracted from the good, and what was left would be the person's overall personality or worth.  When choosing friends, or especially when choosing a life partner, one could simply look at the person's list, at their good and bad points, and then decide who is the best choice.  Then, love would be determined by how much each person put into and got out of the relationship.  Joy would be gotten by doing certain things... for example, if I cleaned cheerfully, and helped someone else with their work, and got all my school done, I'd feel happy, and I could spend the evening reading a book without feeling guilty.  Life would be neat and tidy.  If I needed to find out how something would turn out, I'd find a formula, like this: y = 3x2 + 2x + 5 and I would graph it, and then I would know what to do, what to say, who to talk to. 

HOWEVER.  Before going on I must define what I meant by "ideal".  This is not what I want. This is what I, by nature, aim for.  This is what direction I take when my subconscious takes over.  The "real" me, ie my conscious, is more sensible. :)  My mind tries to categorize, whereas my heart already knows.  My heart knows what love is, what joy is, while my mind is trying to define these so that it will know what they are and if they ought to be.  My mind does not understand why families love each other.  It doesn't seem to make sense.  Seriously why would this group of people of different ages and ideas care about each other? Is it because they share DNA?  Is it because they always have known each other and lived with each other, so they are used to each other?  But then I realize that no, it is none of these things.  They love each other because that is the way God made them.  God made people to love each other, families to bond and care.  He made us with emotions and feelings, and my mind has to accept that it will never know why.  My heart whispers, "Don't worry about why. Don't ask questions.  Just accept.  You love these people.  That just is." 

Yes this post leaves a lot of questions.  It doesn't have a point or a moral or a conclusion.  That is because I am still probing, still looking, still learning.  My heart still surprises me.  My mind still worries and evaluates and schemes.  My heart surprises me when I am holding a baby and my heart is content and happy.  My mind says, "Look at what you will have to give up if you have children someday.  Look how hard it will be."  My heart says "Sshhh.  It will be worth it. Just believe." 

I am not saying "Follow your heart."  But do listen to it.  Sometimes it needs to be scolded or even disciplined.  It is sinful and depraved.  However it is human and it has human feelings.  The mind does not really have human feelings.  It can become mechanical, legalistic, and uncaring.  If you want to be a compassionate person, allow your feelings to exist and let your mind and heart feel love and joy, and plan and think and evaluate the world.  Do not let your members war against each other, but let them be one person.  God made you.  Trust Him that He knew what He was doing.

Now don't think I am a horrible person, a sort of subhuman monster, a computer in a girl's body.  I'm sure I could develop into that if I tried.  But God has renewed me.  He is making me new.  He is teaching me lessons.  He is bringing me into this beautiful, messy, painful world and showing me that I can give up my control and just trust.  Just accept that God is, that love is, that people are broken and messed up and worth loving.